6.29.09:::some coffee shop, 5th flr., the block
what is it with boys who can't stand not being in a relationship? it's like their world would crumble the moment they start being single. for a girl who has never been in a relationship, this baffles me. first things first. i'm used to being single (obviously) and i enjoy singlehood. i've always been independent and happy on my own. most days i'm okay but then there's this recurring phase of longing for someone, esp. at this age. quarterlife does that to you, i guess.
this is the fourth time in the past year that i've said the cliche "i think we should just remain friends", all to good friends of mine. story of my life. i'm no longer in speaking terms with the first three and i don't really blame them. see, i'm losing my guy friends and not gaining any lovelife at all. it's simple really, no major drama on my part. it's either i like you or i don't, there's no gray area. i'm not going to settle for anything less just for the sake of having someone. i already feel terrible about myself, i feel like i'm the girl version of this guy i know who break some poor girls' hearts. but that's a different story.the last thing i really need is bad karma when i'm seeking for carrie bradshaw kind of love - ridiculous, consuming...you get the drift, the cheesy crap.
the thing about this guy r* who proffesed how he felt for me a couple of nights ago (which by the way i didn't see coming, am i dense or what?) is that i think that he thinks i'm his best shot in having a serious and stable relationship (i think too much). he has been messed up for quite sometime and i've constantly been there for him that maybe he assumed that i can fix him. that being in a relationship with me could make things better. i can't. i won't. i believe that sometimes life is about picking up the pieces and standing up on your own no matter how hard you hit rock bottom. do i really come across as someone so put together when i'm probably much more damaged than he'll ever be? but that's beside the point. who am i to judge somebody else's feeling, right?
other girls would probably find this sweet but i think i've already understood that i'm from a different planet so there's really no surprise here. when he told me the first thing that popped in my head was i don't need this drama. this is the bad, unnecessary kind. it's better to weed it out early on. i don't want another h*, the thought hanging over my head that somehow he held me responsible for his own happiness for nine insane years when i never asked him to. don't get me wrong, i do feel thankful once in a while knowing that at one point, somewhere a person thinks well of me. it's just that it also gets me thinking about what i don't have, the ever elusive love. why does it seem so easy for others? or maybe that's just what i assume.
for someone who's turning 24, there's this gnawing feeling i try to push back in my head - what if it never comes? what if somewhere, in the grand scheme of things i was really destined to be alone? or maybe there was someone meant for me but i'm not supposed to meet him in this lifetime. depressing and poetic. almost. the thing is, i'm not even looking for THE one or the future father of my children or any of that forever kind (but i don't really mind if i get that too). i'm not a little girl who dreams of her prince charming or a fairytale ending, all i want is my own version of a happy ending and i don't care if the road leading there is rocky and winding. eeeh, cheesefest galore.
i'm looking for a right now love. if he happens to be the one, well and good, if not, then we move on. i can handle disappointment. what i hate, what's agonizing is the waiting part, especially for my age. from "oh, she finished her studies and didn't screw up, good for her", i became "i feel bad for her because she's never been in a relationship and she's not getting any younger" to worse, "soooo, you're a virgin?" crap. motherfreakin' crap. i have a perfectly good reason how badly i want an invisibility cloak during reunions. when did i go from good to pathetic? whatever happened to career or educational achievement? why do girls my age get measured by our friendster status?
i'm all for women empowerment. that we don't need men to make us happy. i live this life every single day. but sometimes, when i'm having a bad day i want to call someone up and tell him how my day was, i scroll down my contacts list and i realize all these people are either family or friends or friends-who-told-me-they-loved-me-who-despise-me-now or smart customer service. i mean i love my family and friends and i can talk to them anytime i want but you get the drift. there are certain needs but let's not get there. or maybe i'm tired of going to the mall or dining out alone and it doesn't help that everywhere i turn there are couples holding hands. i'm not sure which is the stronger urge, to think "screw you, you're gonna break up too" or "awwwww, i want that too." maybe i'm tired of being the odd girl in the quiet corner of a resto or coffee shops scribbling notes on a little black notebook. maybe i'm tired of going out with someone i'm not interested for the sake of having a 'dating' life. maybe for once, i want someone to ask when i need to decide on something or someone to argue/hold hands/share an umbrella/fall asleep on the couch with.maybe at almost 24, i still secretly dream of being swept off my feet like i was a 17-year old girl falling in love for the first time.
is it such a crime to not want to settle for anything less?
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this is the second time i read this. the first when you introduced me your new site. it still amazes me. grabe, i was just so hooked up reading it. again..probably because at one point or another we feel the same way. can totally relate. haha. someday...one day.
ReplyDeletehay,at this age, i hope it's one of these days. haha. ;)
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