the detour

before i went to college, the plan seemed clear and simple. get a degree and go to law school. but the actual college experience changed my views and goals that sometime during these years, i scrapped this plan completely. i wanted to take a different path, something that nobody else planned for me, something that i can call my own.

so there i was fresh out of college and full of idealism, i wanted to change the world. but i guess changing the world was too big a task for me, it never really worked out.

my first job was at an international company owned by a relative of a powerful business tycoon and it probably was one of the worst first jobs one could ever have. it was mismanaged and as far as i knew (as i had to lie to people who constantly looked for my bosses), was deep in debt. they were firing people without prior notice or valid reasons. those people were my friends and it was hearbreaking to see how they feared for their security knowing that they have mouths to feed. i couldn't stand working for a company that has no regard for compassion and integrity. i got out after 3 months and never looked back.

after a failed job, i promised myself i wouldn't settle for anything less for the sake of having a job. i wanted to work for a non-profit organization. it was a dream i wasn't bent on failing. just like an answered prayer, i got a job for a non-profit organization. i thought that was it, i've found my passion and it's going to be my life-long advocacy. somewhere along the road, i lost the passion. i met the wrong kind of people, the kind whose intentions were questionable that made me think i couldn't see the point of what i was doing anymore. unlike the first one, the decision to leave this job proved to be painful as i had forged friendships with some of the people i've worked with. no matter how uncertain the future looked, i took a leap of faith because well, i believe life is about taking chances. you'll never know what you're missing unless you take the plunge.

that decision proved to be one of the best decisions i've made in my life. not careerwise though, but on a personal level. the months that came after that was a fulfilling journey of healing, forgiveness, and growing up. i was never the same after that experience so i guess it really pays to get out of your comfort zone.

the third and most recent job in the so-called public service was where i saw the dark side of humanity. this is where i learned in the most painful manner how words can destroy someone and how people can deliberately bring you down for no valid reason - just because they can. months after leaving that place, i still cannot comprehend how those people could look me straight in the eye or how they go to sleep peacefully knowing that everything they said were lies. for a while, i couldn't get out of this dark hole i put myself in, i didn't know how to pick up the pieces. more than being a victim of power tripping and verbal harassment, what was frustrating was not being able to defend myself because i wasn't the one in power, because i was just a regular girl sucked into this imperfect world and to protect myself, i had to keep my silence.

i walked out of that experience a different person. what i thought was one of the darkest periods in my life turned out to be the light. i realized that even in the worst of situations, there's always a positive and good reason for one to keep fighting. that horrifying experience made me appreciate my family more than i ever did before knowing that in my darkest hour, it is them who would believe in me and nurture me until i was ready to get up on my own again.i realized that i am much stronger and wiser than i give myself credit for and it's high time i give myself some respect. i vowed never to allow myself to back down when i am right. i can't always settle for peace when i can have justice. i realized i should not just spend my days waiting for passion to happen. if i want to change my life, then i have to take action. finally, i learned that i couldn't change the world alone, not with a single job or a snap of a finger. i can start with myself and see how far it would go. the simplest thing, like caring for the environment, goes a long way.

it's like someone flicked a bulb over my head, i found my way...again. i just took a little detour and now i'm back to my original plan and fervently hoping this time, i'll get it right. i don't regret the decisions i made before i got here because i needed all those life experiences to face this brand new terrifying challenge. i am scared out of my wits as i once again venture into the unknown but i know better now, i'll be okay. today, i stop running.

i guess i have to thank those miserable people i now pity for trying to bring me down. i needed to be broken to be whole again. i haven't even started yet, you'll see.

the b*tch has arrived.