dusk

for the most part, i love being a grown-up. the maturity and experiences that come with it is priceless, take my previous post as exhibit a. but this is one of those times when i wish i was younger so that i could pretend not to care about some serious things happening in my family. what they didn't know was i pray quietly and furtively for things to be alright, oftentimes bargaining with god for the sake of the people i love.

i've been so restless and consumed by this nagging feeling these days and the truth is, i'm scared. i'm scared out of my wits. these things are bigger than me and all of a sudden i feel so small, powerless. once again, i whisper a quiet and desperate prayer to god every minute i get the chance and i tell him...

i don't know how all these would play out but if it's not too much to ask, can my family survive this?please?please?

these things are beyond my control and if they go the other way, our lives might never be the same again. is this the good kind of change? i don't know. all i know right now is i fear for the people i love, for myself, for the future. i know i should be strong now but i can't and i want to give myself that privilege; to feel without the need to explain myself, to feel without everyone asking me if i'm fine. i owe no one an explanation for how i choose to deal. i'm not okay and no one can do anything about it. things will happen if they're meant to happen and all i can do is watch them go by and try to cope and pick up what's left.

are we going to survive this? am i going to survive this?

i don't know what's ahead and i stand here helpless, dumbfounded, desperately waiting.

24 things i learned in 24 years

life lessons based on real life personal experiences...

1.don’t rush growing up.once you get to the so-called real world, it’s a whole new different ball game.all of a sudden, you’re an adult and there’s no turning back.

2.you can’t choose your relatives but you can choose who you want to have a relationship with.love the ones who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t.

3.people treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

4.a summer fling is JUST a summer fling.no more, no less. :)

5.letting go of grudges is one of the best decisions one could ever make.it’s like breaking out of a cocoon, you go through a painful process…but once you see there’s a bigger world out there than your drama, you’ll never want to look back.

6.God answers, sometimes before you even ask.

7.take risks.one of the perks of being young is having the license to throw caution to the wind and take chances, make your own mistakes, and start over.sure there’s no guarantee that every risk you take will pay well (that’s why it’s called leap of faith), but when it does, it’s all worth it.nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could’ve changed your life.

8.love your body, flaws and all.wear your skin proud.it took me a long time to get here but then I realized it’s the best confidence booster one could have, better than any beauty brand in the market.

9.to people who are not your good friends or loved ones who do you wrong (officemates, schoolmates, relatives, etc.): you have no right to upset me.you don’t matter enough to upset me (from the movie the reader).

10.when you start earning your own money, you’ll understand and appreciate your parents better.you realize being a grown-up isn’t as easy as they make it look.

11.at some point people will disappoint you.even the ones you hold dear.just remember that no matter how much you despise someone, that person is still someone else’s loved one.think before you speak.think even twice when you’re angry.no amount of apology can take hurtful words back.

12.it is possible to tour 4 cities and 3 countries in one trip with just P23,000 (or even less).traveling is one of the best and most rewarding ways to spend your hard-earned money.also, you HAVE to visit CAMBODIA at least once in your life, the experience changes you in ways you can’t put into words.

13.dreams do come true.3 years ago,I made a list of 100 crazy things I’d like to do before I die, the kind of crazy things that even I didn’t believe I could experience in this lifetime.when I found the list again this year, I was surprised and grateful to find out how many of those things on the list I’ve actually done – some even better than I’ve imagined.

14.singlehood is both liberating and lonely.

15.a text message I received: if you don’t act foolish while you’re young, you won’t have anything to smile about when you’re older.so i say, go on that adventure, you’ll never know what surprises await unless you take the plunge.feel the fear but face it anyway.

16.you will lose someone you love and it would hurt more than you think you can take.it would feel like your heart is being violently ripped out of your chest and pounded into pieces and you can’t do anything to ease the pain. no words of encouragement from anybody could make you feel better.well, the pain never really goes away.you either just grow stronger or get numb.

17.failure is a good starting point.maybe you need to hit rock bottom to realize your true strength and passion. sometimes it is in not getting what you want that you clearly see what really matters.

18.go to your favorite artist’s concert or you’ll miss out on that extraordinary experience as a fan – your heart beating out of your chest the moment the lights are dimmed and you hear the first chords of the guitar, that exhilarating energy from the crowd, screaming your lungs out when your idol asks you to sing with him/her/them, that high and LSS, and the bragging rights to say “oh that?i was there.”

19.happiness is a choice.it took me 23 years to learn this.

20.you’re never too old to try new things.it doesn’t matter if you’re 17 or 70,you can always have first time experiences…like learning how to surf the waves of zambales at 22 or learning how to cook real food other than eggs and pancit canton at 23 or shifting to a new career at 24.

21.your family is your best support system.sure you’ll have your differences and disagreements; there might even be a time in your angst-filled teenage years that you’ll want to stay away from them as far as you can.but it gets better when you get older.you’d understand what it’s like to be a grown-up.you’d learn about compromise.you’d realize that they’d be the one to take you in at your best and at your worst, no questions asked.

22.on boys:as you get older, looks take the back seat.you’d rather spend hours talking to someone you have a connection with or a decent smart conversation with rather than a minute with a blue-eyed boy next door who only cares about his hair wax or number of friendster views.

23.forgive yourself – for the mistakes you did, the time you can’t turn back, the things you weren’t able to say, for not knowing what you want, for faltering, for not being what other people want you to be. you owe that to yourself and nobody else.

24.things don’t always go according to your plans.you don’t always get what you want.you don’t always get what you deserve.you don’t always get treated how you think you should be treated.you don’t always get to be who you wanted to be.

stop whining. nobody said it was easy. suck it up and move on.

the detour

before i went to college, the plan seemed clear and simple. get a degree and go to law school. but the actual college experience changed my views and goals that sometime during these years, i scrapped this plan completely. i wanted to take a different path, something that nobody else planned for me, something that i can call my own.

so there i was fresh out of college and full of idealism, i wanted to change the world. but i guess changing the world was too big a task for me, it never really worked out.

my first job was at an international company owned by a relative of a powerful business tycoon and it probably was one of the worst first jobs one could ever have. it was mismanaged and as far as i knew (as i had to lie to people who constantly looked for my bosses), was deep in debt. they were firing people without prior notice or valid reasons. those people were my friends and it was hearbreaking to see how they feared for their security knowing that they have mouths to feed. i couldn't stand working for a company that has no regard for compassion and integrity. i got out after 3 months and never looked back.

after a failed job, i promised myself i wouldn't settle for anything less for the sake of having a job. i wanted to work for a non-profit organization. it was a dream i wasn't bent on failing. just like an answered prayer, i got a job for a non-profit organization. i thought that was it, i've found my passion and it's going to be my life-long advocacy. somewhere along the road, i lost the passion. i met the wrong kind of people, the kind whose intentions were questionable that made me think i couldn't see the point of what i was doing anymore. unlike the first one, the decision to leave this job proved to be painful as i had forged friendships with some of the people i've worked with. no matter how uncertain the future looked, i took a leap of faith because well, i believe life is about taking chances. you'll never know what you're missing unless you take the plunge.

that decision proved to be one of the best decisions i've made in my life. not careerwise though, but on a personal level. the months that came after that was a fulfilling journey of healing, forgiveness, and growing up. i was never the same after that experience so i guess it really pays to get out of your comfort zone.

the third and most recent job in the so-called public service was where i saw the dark side of humanity. this is where i learned in the most painful manner how words can destroy someone and how people can deliberately bring you down for no valid reason - just because they can. months after leaving that place, i still cannot comprehend how those people could look me straight in the eye or how they go to sleep peacefully knowing that everything they said were lies. for a while, i couldn't get out of this dark hole i put myself in, i didn't know how to pick up the pieces. more than being a victim of power tripping and verbal harassment, what was frustrating was not being able to defend myself because i wasn't the one in power, because i was just a regular girl sucked into this imperfect world and to protect myself, i had to keep my silence.

i walked out of that experience a different person. what i thought was one of the darkest periods in my life turned out to be the light. i realized that even in the worst of situations, there's always a positive and good reason for one to keep fighting. that horrifying experience made me appreciate my family more than i ever did before knowing that in my darkest hour, it is them who would believe in me and nurture me until i was ready to get up on my own again.i realized that i am much stronger and wiser than i give myself credit for and it's high time i give myself some respect. i vowed never to allow myself to back down when i am right. i can't always settle for peace when i can have justice. i realized i should not just spend my days waiting for passion to happen. if i want to change my life, then i have to take action. finally, i learned that i couldn't change the world alone, not with a single job or a snap of a finger. i can start with myself and see how far it would go. the simplest thing, like caring for the environment, goes a long way.

it's like someone flicked a bulb over my head, i found my way...again. i just took a little detour and now i'm back to my original plan and fervently hoping this time, i'll get it right. i don't regret the decisions i made before i got here because i needed all those life experiences to face this brand new terrifying challenge. i am scared out of my wits as i once again venture into the unknown but i know better now, i'll be okay. today, i stop running.

i guess i have to thank those miserable people i now pity for trying to bring me down. i needed to be broken to be whole again. i haven't even started yet, you'll see.

the b*tch has arrived.