dusk

for the most part, i love being a grown-up. the maturity and experiences that come with it is priceless, take my previous post as exhibit a. but this is one of those times when i wish i was younger so that i could pretend not to care about some serious things happening in my family. what they didn't know was i pray quietly and furtively for things to be alright, oftentimes bargaining with god for the sake of the people i love.

i've been so restless and consumed by this nagging feeling these days and the truth is, i'm scared. i'm scared out of my wits. these things are bigger than me and all of a sudden i feel so small, powerless. once again, i whisper a quiet and desperate prayer to god every minute i get the chance and i tell him...

i don't know how all these would play out but if it's not too much to ask, can my family survive this?please?please?

these things are beyond my control and if they go the other way, our lives might never be the same again. is this the good kind of change? i don't know. all i know right now is i fear for the people i love, for myself, for the future. i know i should be strong now but i can't and i want to give myself that privilege; to feel without the need to explain myself, to feel without everyone asking me if i'm fine. i owe no one an explanation for how i choose to deal. i'm not okay and no one can do anything about it. things will happen if they're meant to happen and all i can do is watch them go by and try to cope and pick up what's left.

are we going to survive this? am i going to survive this?

i don't know what's ahead and i stand here helpless, dumbfounded, desperately waiting.