the detour

before i went to college, the plan seemed clear and simple. get a degree and go to law school. but the actual college experience changed my views and goals that sometime during these years, i scrapped this plan completely. i wanted to take a different path, something that nobody else planned for me, something that i can call my own.

so there i was fresh out of college and full of idealism, i wanted to change the world. but i guess changing the world was too big a task for me, it never really worked out.

my first job was at an international company owned by a relative of a powerful business tycoon and it probably was one of the worst first jobs one could ever have. it was mismanaged and as far as i knew (as i had to lie to people who constantly looked for my bosses), was deep in debt. they were firing people without prior notice or valid reasons. those people were my friends and it was hearbreaking to see how they feared for their security knowing that they have mouths to feed. i couldn't stand working for a company that has no regard for compassion and integrity. i got out after 3 months and never looked back.

after a failed job, i promised myself i wouldn't settle for anything less for the sake of having a job. i wanted to work for a non-profit organization. it was a dream i wasn't bent on failing. just like an answered prayer, i got a job for a non-profit organization. i thought that was it, i've found my passion and it's going to be my life-long advocacy. somewhere along the road, i lost the passion. i met the wrong kind of people, the kind whose intentions were questionable that made me think i couldn't see the point of what i was doing anymore. unlike the first one, the decision to leave this job proved to be painful as i had forged friendships with some of the people i've worked with. no matter how uncertain the future looked, i took a leap of faith because well, i believe life is about taking chances. you'll never know what you're missing unless you take the plunge.

that decision proved to be one of the best decisions i've made in my life. not careerwise though, but on a personal level. the months that came after that was a fulfilling journey of healing, forgiveness, and growing up. i was never the same after that experience so i guess it really pays to get out of your comfort zone.

the third and most recent job in the so-called public service was where i saw the dark side of humanity. this is where i learned in the most painful manner how words can destroy someone and how people can deliberately bring you down for no valid reason - just because they can. months after leaving that place, i still cannot comprehend how those people could look me straight in the eye or how they go to sleep peacefully knowing that everything they said were lies. for a while, i couldn't get out of this dark hole i put myself in, i didn't know how to pick up the pieces. more than being a victim of power tripping and verbal harassment, what was frustrating was not being able to defend myself because i wasn't the one in power, because i was just a regular girl sucked into this imperfect world and to protect myself, i had to keep my silence.

i walked out of that experience a different person. what i thought was one of the darkest periods in my life turned out to be the light. i realized that even in the worst of situations, there's always a positive and good reason for one to keep fighting. that horrifying experience made me appreciate my family more than i ever did before knowing that in my darkest hour, it is them who would believe in me and nurture me until i was ready to get up on my own again.i realized that i am much stronger and wiser than i give myself credit for and it's high time i give myself some respect. i vowed never to allow myself to back down when i am right. i can't always settle for peace when i can have justice. i realized i should not just spend my days waiting for passion to happen. if i want to change my life, then i have to take action. finally, i learned that i couldn't change the world alone, not with a single job or a snap of a finger. i can start with myself and see how far it would go. the simplest thing, like caring for the environment, goes a long way.

it's like someone flicked a bulb over my head, i found my way...again. i just took a little detour and now i'm back to my original plan and fervently hoping this time, i'll get it right. i don't regret the decisions i made before i got here because i needed all those life experiences to face this brand new terrifying challenge. i am scared out of my wits as i once again venture into the unknown but i know better now, i'll be okay. today, i stop running.

i guess i have to thank those miserable people i now pity for trying to bring me down. i needed to be broken to be whole again. i haven't even started yet, you'll see.

the b*tch has arrived.

a single girl blabbers about singlehood, friends-turned-almost lovers-turned-former friends, longing for love, and some other nebulous thoughts

6.29.09:::some coffee shop, 5th flr., the block

what is it with boys who can't stand not being in a relationship? it's like their world would crumble the moment they start being single. for a girl who has never been in a relationship, this baffles me. first things first. i'm used to being single (obviously) and i enjoy singlehood. i've always been independent and happy on my own. most days i'm okay but then there's this recurring phase of longing for someone, esp. at this age. quarterlife does that to you, i guess.

this is the fourth time in the past year that i've said the cliche "i think we should just remain friends", all to good friends of mine. story of my life. i'm no longer in speaking terms with the first three and i don't really blame them. see, i'm losing my guy friends and not gaining any lovelife at all. it's simple really, no major drama on my part. it's either i like you or i don't, there's no gray area. i'm not going to settle for anything less just for the sake of having someone. i already feel terrible about myself, i feel like i'm the girl version of this guy i know who break some poor girls' hearts. but that's a different story.the last thing i really need is bad karma when i'm seeking for carrie bradshaw kind of love - ridiculous, consuming...you get the drift, the cheesy crap.

the thing about this guy r* who proffesed how he felt for me a couple of nights ago (which by the way i didn't see coming, am i dense or what?) is that i think that he thinks i'm his best shot in having a serious and stable relationship (i think too much). he has been messed up for quite sometime and i've constantly been there for him that maybe he assumed that i can fix him. that being in a relationship with me could make things better. i can't. i won't. i believe that sometimes life is about picking up the pieces and standing up on your own no matter how hard you hit rock bottom. do i really come across as someone so put together when i'm probably much more damaged than he'll ever be? but that's beside the point. who am i to judge somebody else's feeling, right?

other girls would probably find this sweet but i think i've already understood that i'm from a different planet so there's really no surprise here. when he told me the first thing that popped in my head was i don't need this drama. this is the bad, unnecessary kind. it's better to weed it out early on. i don't want another h*, the thought hanging over my head that somehow he held me responsible for his own happiness for nine insane years when i never asked him to. don't get me wrong, i do feel thankful once in a while knowing that at one point, somewhere a person thinks well of me. it's just that it also gets me thinking about what i don't have, the ever elusive love. why does it seem so easy for others? or maybe that's just what i assume.

for someone who's turning 24, there's this gnawing feeling i try to push back in my head - what if it never comes? what if somewhere, in the grand scheme of things i was really destined to be alone? or maybe there was someone meant for me but i'm not supposed to meet him in this lifetime. depressing and poetic. almost. the thing is, i'm not even looking for THE one or the future father of my children or any of that forever kind (but i don't really mind if i get that too). i'm not a little girl who dreams of her prince charming or a fairytale ending, all i want is my own version of a happy ending and i don't care if the road leading there is rocky and winding. eeeh, cheesefest galore.

i'm looking for a right now love. if he happens to be the one, well and good, if not, then we move on. i can handle disappointment. what i hate, what's agonizing is the waiting part, especially for my age. from "oh, she finished her studies and didn't screw up, good for her", i became "i feel bad for her because she's never been in a relationship and she's not getting any younger" to worse, "soooo, you're a virgin?" crap. motherfreakin' crap. i have a perfectly good reason how badly i want an invisibility cloak during reunions. when did i go from good to pathetic? whatever happened to career or educational achievement? why do girls my age get measured by our friendster status?

i'm all for women empowerment. that we don't need men to make us happy. i live this life every single day. but sometimes, when i'm having a bad day i want to call someone up and tell him how my day was, i scroll down my contacts list and i realize all these people are either family or friends or friends-who-told-me-they-loved-me-who-despise-me-now or smart customer service. i mean i love my family and friends and i can talk to them anytime i want but you get the drift. there are certain needs but let's not get there. or maybe i'm tired of going to the mall or dining out alone and it doesn't help that everywhere i turn there are couples holding hands. i'm not sure which is the stronger urge, to think "screw you, you're gonna break up too" or "awwwww, i want that too." maybe i'm tired of being the odd girl in the quiet corner of a resto or coffee shops scribbling notes on a little black notebook. maybe i'm tired of going out with someone i'm not interested for the sake of having a 'dating' life. maybe for once, i want someone to ask when i need to decide on something or someone to argue/hold hands/share an umbrella/fall asleep on the couch with.maybe at almost 24, i still secretly dream of being swept off my feet like i was a 17-year old girl falling in love for the first time.

is it such a crime to not want to settle for anything less?

coming up for air

6.24.09:::function room @ the condo

i guess at one point, we all have our share of growing up to do. i gave myself until 25 years old to not think about the future. i guess it came a year earlier and honestly, i really don't mind.

i've been through almost hell and back. i've seen how evil works and survived it.

i'm turning 24 but it took me almost 23 years to appreciate life. i'm more bruised and broken than i've ever been and yet more profoundly grateful of life and wiser than i ever was.

i think that crying your heart out and feeling the pain, no matter how heart-wrenching, is the best way to heal.

i think that taking risks are necessary for one to grow, that there's a bigger world than our issues and drama, that letting go of past grudges is one of the best decisions i've ever made, that you should not punish yourself for not knowing what you want, that its okay to falter once in a while, that we should love the people who treat us right and forget about the ones who don't, that not everyone in this world is evil, that it's never too late to find your passion, and that being young gives us the license to live carefree, go crazy once in a while, to dream and find our path, learn from our mistakes, and start over.

yes, we pick up the pieces and start over.

starting on a clean slate. :)